Bad Day...

Today was an extremely excruciatingly bad day. I fell off the wagon really bad. I didn't have any breakfast. Oh wait. I had a grapefruit for breakfast. For a mid-morning snack I had a banana. So not so bad.
But then for lunch I went to Taco Bell and had a Mexican pizza with no beans. I came home for lunch and topped that with a load of sour cream. Oh and I had an order of cinnamon twist but I only ate a few and threw most away. But I didn't stop there. I had two mini-snicker bars and one Reese's Pieces cup. Oh and I purchased a pack of Newport Cigarettes when I am trying to quit. I hadn't smoked a cigarette in over a month before today. For dinner I had a fried Chik-Fil-A sandwich with fries and a lemonade. And I didn't even exercise.
I haven't gotten on the scale since Tuesday morning. At that point I weighed 134. I am sure by now I am back up to 138. These 30's are like a curse to my existence.
Needless to say I am not feeling at my best. I got my hair done today as I do every Thursday and I still don't feel pretty. While I was at the salon my husband went over to a friend's house. It is rare for him to go somewhere during the week because he's normally sleep by 8. So I was a little surprised but I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until we laid down and I asked him why he doesn't want to have sex with me and listening to his answer that caused a faint light to go off in my brain.
I think my husband is feeling trapped. He said he doesn't know why he isn't feeling me he just isn't. But he wants to go to a swinger's party this weekend. We have sex with other couples from time to time. It helps to spice things up between us. But that is a different story for a different time. But I begin thinking maybe he is feeling suffocated and bored.
The more I think about my rationale the more I think separate bedrooms is exactly what we need. He still tries to kiss and hug on me but most times I am not receptive. I feel like if he doesn't desire me sexually, how can he possibly be giving me sincere affection. This may be a backwards ass way of thinking but it is how I am feeling at the moment. I asked him how does he feel about separate bedrooms and he said he didn't want to do it. But despite his lack of desire for me, my husband really is a sweet man. So I know he said what he thought I wanted to hear. Bless his heart. But I am firm on my decision. Starting tomorrow night we will be sleeping in separate bedrooms. I am even going to go buy me a pajama set. Maybe we can fall in an amicable routine and possibly find our way back to one another. I think he needs space and space is what I am going to give him.
But I am still going back to my diet routine. Saturday I am going grocery shopping because we have virtually no food in this house. I am going to eat nothing but lean cuisine meals for the next two weeks. The one thing about my husband and I being on the fritz is that I don't have to worry about him wanting to take me out. Thus no temptation on the weekend. I don't have to worry about hurrying to try to lose weight to impress him. I don't have to worry about him rejecting me. As a matter of fact I won't have to worry about him at all and then maybe for once in my life I can really begin to focus on me and trying to make me happy.
Well, that's it for now.
By the way I did mastuarbate last night and this morning before I went to work. I am getting ready to go mastaurbate myself to sleep.
What? A girl's gotta find her own happiness some way. And this is mine. I don't apologize for it and neither should you!

No sex again tonight...

Today was not a good day. When I woke up this morning I was still depressed by the fact that my husband didn't want to have sex with me. But I managed to pull myself out of that funk and get ready for work. I was on the right path, ate the right breakfast and got to work early.
When lunch came around I completely bombed out. I went out to lunch with two of my co-workers. I normally come home for lunch because it saves money and it helps me with my portion control and staying on track with my diet. Anyway, we went to Sweet Tomatoes. I had a nice salad but then I got a muffin with whipped butter (my absolute favorite) and some buschetta. For my beverage I had some pomegranate juice. But then I bought some cookies had more buschetta and had another glass of juice. By the time I got back to work I was so full and sleepy that I was mentally kicking myself for my screw up.
So when I got home from work my husband acted like he was in the mood. He told me to take a shower which I did but I didn't exercise. So he ate my pussy for a long time which is unusual for him. As I think about it now I become upset with myself for not enjoying it. I could feel his energy level wasn't there and we weren't connecting like we normally do. Therefore I wasn't able to enjoy it. So eventually I had him to stop and I grabbed his dick and it was as limp as a dishrag.
So I was taken aback to be sure. But I told myself to give it another go. I said you don't wanna take off your clothes? He had on shorts and a t-shirt. He did something he has never done before. He asked me was dinner ready. There have been times when he has made me let food burn because he couldn't wait to fuck me or couldn't stop fucking me. We haven't had sex going on two weeks and the thing that prevents him from taking off his clothes and fucking my wet pussy is food! Preposterous! Completely unheard of!
After that I got up put on some shorts and a shirt and went into the kitchen to fix him something to eat. He called my name I didn't answer him. I took him his plate of food and went to the store. When I got back he calls himself kissing all over me again. So I played along. I thought maybe he had had a change of heart. Not so. He kissed me, sucked on my tities for a bit but still his dick remained limp. Finally he told me he just wasn't in the mood. So my stomach started growling and he said you didn't eat? You want me to go fix you a salad? A salad? He couldn't think of anything else to say but a salad?
Let me back track for a moment. He has to be up at 4 in the morning. So he gets up early and goes to his office to masturbate. When I got home this afternoon from work, he went to into the bathroom to masturbate. So he doesn't have an erection problem.
He told me it isn't me. Should I believe him? According to an article of men's brains, men want and think about sex all the time.

Remember his brain is his largest sex organ
(Click here for full article)
In males of several species including humans, the preoptic area of the hypothalamus is greater in volume, in cross-sectional area and in the number of cells. In men, this area is more than two times larger than in women, and it contains twice as many cells. And what, say you, does this have to do with the horizontal mambo? Plenty. This area of the hypothalamus is in charge of mating behavior. This small structure connects to the pituitary gland, which releases sex hormones. So if your bf wants to get intimate all the time and you feel like Ms. Low Desire, remember: You're just experiencing normal, brain-based differences.
Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor: The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All Time.

So my husband's brain is working right, it just ain't working in my favor.

So what is a girl to do? How do I cope from day to day without going insane? How do I even begin to stick to a diet plan when I am so depressed? The thought that my husband no longer sexually desires me because of my size doesn't even motivate me. It makes me angry and it hurts my feelings. I thought if he loved me this wouldn't be an issue. I wasn't small when he met me so why all of a sudden does he want me to be small?
It makes me begin to wonder is he embarrassed by me? Is he cheating on me? If I never lose a single pound will he be sexually turned off by me for the rest of our lives? What's a girl to do I ask you? Even if I stayed on track and lost 2 pounds a week, I wouldn't even be recognizable smaller for at least six weeks. Am I suppose to go six weeks with no sex because my husband thinks I am ugly?
I don't know what to do. Right now I just feel so low. I've never experienced this with any other man. It makes me feel old and lonely. Extremely lonely. I can't talk to anyone about this issue because I am too ashamed. The woman who taught her friends how to suck a dick and keep a man cumming back, can't even arouse her own husband. How shameful is that?

I am thinking about buying some pajamas because I sleep nude. My logic is if I cover up I won't expect sex and so won't be so disappointed when it doesn't happen. So I am not constantly getting rejected night after night. I don't know maybe that is a stupid idea. Maybe I am just blowing things out of proportion. Oh I know maybe we should sleep in separate rooms. Then neither one of us has to deal with the other person. But I always told myself I would never live in a marriage like that. Yet here I am contemplating that exact thing. Do I stay on my diet or do I say fuck it?

Well no masturbation tonight. For some reason I am just not in the mood.

Here I go again...

So, I woke up this morning and got on the scale naked. I weigh 136 pounds. That may not seem like a lot to some people but at 4' 9" tall I am what the doctors categorize as obese. I want to lose this weight so badly but I continue to sabotage myself. Why is that? My sex life is suffering because of my inability to stick to my plan and accomplish my goal.
So today was a fairly decent day. I stuck to my meal plan and did 45 minutes on the elliptical machine. I was feeling good about myself and thought for sure my husband would want to have sex.
So I took a shower, cooked him a good meal, and we got into bed. But he didn't want to have sex. He was rubbing on me but his dick didn't even get hard. My husband has great stamina and does not have an erection problem. So the only conclusion I could come up with is me.
So I begin to ask myself have I gotten so fat that he is just not attracted to me sexually anymore? He has been hinting around a lot lately that he would like to see me lose weight. He's not mean but just little stuff he will say like, "baby you should do some crunches. That will help you lose your stomach." That is another reason I want so desperately to lose this weight. I know my motivation should not be to satisfy someone else but when my husband starts denying me sex (and I love sex so much!!) then I am willing to make him my motivation for losing weight.
Needless to say I am feeling really bummed out right now. Instead of being more motivated I am just depressed. I want to eat something fattening like a Snickers bar. I am glad I don't have any around. I need to create a positive mantra for myself so that when I am down like this I don't let it get the best of me and shape my attitude.
I guess it is masturbation for me tonight.