Bad Day...

Today was an extremely excruciatingly bad day. I fell off the wagon really bad. I didn't have any breakfast. Oh wait. I had a grapefruit for breakfast. For a mid-morning snack I had a banana. So not so bad.
But then for lunch I went to Taco Bell and had a Mexican pizza with no beans. I came home for lunch and topped that with a load of sour cream. Oh and I had an order of cinnamon twist but I only ate a few and threw most away. But I didn't stop there. I had two mini-snicker bars and one Reese's Pieces cup. Oh and I purchased a pack of Newport Cigarettes when I am trying to quit. I hadn't smoked a cigarette in over a month before today. For dinner I had a fried Chik-Fil-A sandwich with fries and a lemonade. And I didn't even exercise.
I haven't gotten on the scale since Tuesday morning. At that point I weighed 134. I am sure by now I am back up to 138. These 30's are like a curse to my existence.
Needless to say I am not feeling at my best. I got my hair done today as I do every Thursday and I still don't feel pretty. While I was at the salon my husband went over to a friend's house. It is rare for him to go somewhere during the week because he's normally sleep by 8. So I was a little surprised but I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until we laid down and I asked him why he doesn't want to have sex with me and listening to his answer that caused a faint light to go off in my brain.
I think my husband is feeling trapped. He said he doesn't know why he isn't feeling me he just isn't. But he wants to go to a swinger's party this weekend. We have sex with other couples from time to time. It helps to spice things up between us. But that is a different story for a different time. But I begin thinking maybe he is feeling suffocated and bored.
The more I think about my rationale the more I think separate bedrooms is exactly what we need. He still tries to kiss and hug on me but most times I am not receptive. I feel like if he doesn't desire me sexually, how can he possibly be giving me sincere affection. This may be a backwards ass way of thinking but it is how I am feeling at the moment. I asked him how does he feel about separate bedrooms and he said he didn't want to do it. But despite his lack of desire for me, my husband really is a sweet man. So I know he said what he thought I wanted to hear. Bless his heart. But I am firm on my decision. Starting tomorrow night we will be sleeping in separate bedrooms. I am even going to go buy me a pajama set. Maybe we can fall in an amicable routine and possibly find our way back to one another. I think he needs space and space is what I am going to give him.
But I am still going back to my diet routine. Saturday I am going grocery shopping because we have virtually no food in this house. I am going to eat nothing but lean cuisine meals for the next two weeks. The one thing about my husband and I being on the fritz is that I don't have to worry about him wanting to take me out. Thus no temptation on the weekend. I don't have to worry about hurrying to try to lose weight to impress him. I don't have to worry about him rejecting me. As a matter of fact I won't have to worry about him at all and then maybe for once in my life I can really begin to focus on me and trying to make me happy.
Well, that's it for now.
By the way I did mastuarbate last night and this morning before I went to work. I am getting ready to go mastaurbate myself to sleep.
What? A girl's gotta find her own happiness some way. And this is mine. I don't apologize for it and neither should you!